I’ll have to admit that I am guilty of NOT making it a priority to talk about race with my to be 6 year old and I want to change that. We live in Canada, a diverse country where multiculturalism is widely celebrated. We also have many black close friends and my daughter goes to a school that is also quite diverse; in fact her very best friend is black; so I always thought that should be enough for her to acknowledge and embrace black people and people of colour. But as racist violence continues to erupt, my views and attitude towards racism has taken a whole new turn.
I’m sure you all are going through the same feelings especially if you are a mother. Because lets be honest, racism doesn’t magically appear. It starts from home, it starts by making and ignoring subtle racist jokes or staying quiet when we should speak up. Its important to be mindful about how we as parents and other family members talk about the black community and other ethnic group in general. Our children are absorbing everything like a sponge so we need to be extra cautious about those behaviours. Personally we don’t need to worry about making any negative remarks as such but coming from a South Asian community, there are many subtle anti-black rhetoric that my child can be exposed to from our brown friends and family and I need to make a point to speak up against those situations and explain to my daughter why it’s wrong and why it’s important to speak up. Just having black friends and teaching love and compassion in words is not enough. So I’m making it a point to change how we handle the issue of diversity and race in our everyday life and have proper conversations around it when the topic comes up and in fact proactively bring this topic up more often.
As a Bangladeshi woman, I grew up in an environment where the anti-black rhetoric was rampant which was a direct result of colonisation and those sentiments were made extremely normal in our society. As a child those ideas seemed valid as they came from parents and family members but as I grew older and started learning about other cultures and travelled to other countries, I realised how wrong they were. I started to speak up every time my mom said something racist but she will shut me up even more quickly and ofcourse I would give her a pass thinking, “she is from a different generation and doesn’t now better”! Oh how I wish I pushed harder and helped her understand how wrong she was. Well better late than never, I promised myself to take action if I see someone being racist in my community, in my workplace and I hope to teach my daughter the same.
Few things that will help the discussion about race:
Acknowledge the differences: Kids start to differentiate skin colours, hair textures and facial features from as early as 6 months and by 12 years can form a racial bias if not corrected early; so it’s imperative that we take our time explaining when they ask questions about these differences and earlier the better. The goal is to not be “colourblind” and say ” I see no colour and everyone is equal in my eyes”. No matter how good the intention behind this concept is, it causes more harm than good. The goal is to acknowledge that there ARE people of various colours and ethnicity and we need to embrace them the way they are.
Embrace the differences: As important as it is to acknowledge that different skin colours exists, it’s more important to teach them that “different” is OKAY. A lot of times, children can equate different as negative and it’s my duty to explain to my daughter that her friend with curly hair and black skin is different than her brown skin and straight hair but they are equally beautiful.
Find similarities in the differences: The moment you start talking about differences, it might be a natural instinct for the kids to think that their friends that look different are just different in general. So it’s our duty to remind them that they may look different but they can have many similarities with them. Remind them how they both like to paint and draw and how they both enjoy many other similar activities. This will help them be a respectful friend.
Discuss race and diversity often: As uncomfortable as the discussion of race can be, it’s become increasingly important to discuss it and making it a usual part of life. The more you talk about it, the normal it will become. If we avoid the topic, that will give them the idea that the topic is taboo and something negative. And while speaking about diversity, we should name the colours specifically like black, white, brown, etc. without associating any negative connotations to them. A child should be comfortable using racial terms without feeling bad.
Create a diverse group of friends: If you don’t have Black and POC as friends already, try reaching out to them within your community, workplace and place of worship and be friends with them and really try to get involved in their lives. We can teach and say so many things to our children but they learn best by observing. And ofcourse friendship can’t just happen instantly, there has to be a shared value. Recognise that it will take time and you will go through trial and error until you find a group that click. And do the same for your kids; enroll them in school and activities that are diverse so it becomes easier for them to build the friendship. If your kids see various people of colour visiting your house often and vice versa, it will just become an everyday thing for them and will become the norm. This should not seem forced and should come naturally.
Expose your kids to POC via media and books: This one is so important. Actively search for movies and tv shows that features kids of colour. Watch those shows on movie nights at home and be ready to answer questions and ask them questions in return to get an idea of their understanding of all of this. The shows can be an amazing conversation starter.
Also make sure to create a collection of books that talks about race, diversity and features children of colour. I mean Moana, Jasmin, Pocahontas is nice in theory but introduce shows where the protagonist is an everyday girl like your child who goes to school and does everyday normal things like her which will help her relate much more.
Lastly reflect on yourself to identify any existing racial biases before moving forward with any of the conversations with your children otherwise it will not be genuine. Also seek out knowledge directly from artists, singers, writers, bloggers that are of color which will help broaden your perspective about POC on other topics than just race.
