“Don’t surrender all your joy for an idea you used to have about yourself that isn’t true anymore.”
―Cheryl Strayed
I have struggled with weight gain since I was 11. I was always that chubby oddball kid who always looked older than her classmates all throughout her school years until high school. All my life I tried everything from starving myself, crash diets to super structured nutritionist approved diets to lose the unwanted flabs. Then in 11th grade in high school, I got very determined, joined a gym and went on a super low carb diet. With a lot of sweat and tears (no blood, thank God! To be exact, working out 7 days a week- 3 hours a day) and following a strict diet for 8 months, I succeeded to lose about 45lbs. I somehow kept that weight off for 10 years until I became pregnant. After losing my weight drastically within 8 months, I was determined to keep it off and even though I didn’t work out much in those 10 years, I always followed a low carb diet. If I indulged on a weekend I would skip a meal or excessively portion control, to balance it all out. This method worked out perfectly, without any exercise, I was able to keep my weight off for 10 years!
Fast forward to 2013, to my pregnant days when I finally found an excuse to binge on all the carbs that I missed out on those 10 years. I ate a lot during those days and the result was a solid hike of 40lbs in my weight to be exact. My gynecologist was absolutely disgusted by my weight gain and explained the danger of having a very large fetus and eventually the complications that may bring during labour and childbirth. So during my 7th month of pregnancy, I was yet again put on a strict diet to keep my weight from going up any further.
In my defense, it was my first pregnancy and I didn’t know better. On top, I had no family around to advise me otherwise. I had a surprisingly smooth pregnancy initially with no issues of nausea or morning sickness and I ate pretty much everything with no regards to my health. Don’t get me wrong, I ate a lot of healthy stuff too but in addition to that I completely ignored to pay attention to my overall calorie intake or the amount of carbs and sugar I was consuming (I was literally “eating for two” you know!). Also, how in movies they show that it’s totally normal for a pregnant woman to demand ice cream or chocolate in the middle of the night, I took them a little too seriously and practiced them in real life, almost every other night!
Then before I knew it, I had my baby and EVERYTHING changed. I honestly did not even think about my body or weight during the first year of my motherhood. I just focused my year-long maternity leave to make great memories with my newly born and did not let any negativity affect me. Yes, it did bother me that I pretty much had 0 clothes that fit me; in spite of having a closet full of clothes. But a trip to Walmart and some cheap, unflattering maternity clothes fixed that problem. I didn’t want to buy fancy maternity or post pregnancy clothes as I thought it will be a waste because just like old times, I will go on a diet and lose all these extra bulge in no time. It was just a matter of time, I wasn’t rushing at all and was very confident that, that day is near.
All my life, I was very much into dressing up amd trendy clothing just like any other girl, however, during the first year of my motherhood, I somehow turned into a slob who pretty much wore the same few clothes everyday. To clarify, it is not because I was upset with my weight gain or a sign of me giving up on a fancy life (lol) but because I was just in a very different place. Clothing, makeup, fashion, etc. was absolutely unimportant to me at that time. I was over the moon being a new mom and being able to spend 24/7 with my baby and that feeling beats every other feeling in the world! Also, back in my mind, I knew all this is only temporary and once I put my mind into it, I’m losing this baby weight in the blink of an eye.
Then it was August 23, 2015, my daughter’s first birthday, already a year after I gave birth and I still weighed about the same I did while I was pregnant minus the belly. While preparing for the party, I realized I didn’t really own any nice clothes anymore that fits and is appropriate to wear at a party. I felt sad to spend money on new clothes when I had a wardrobe full of nice clothes. That day it hit me how much weight I have gained and how it is affecting me in general. I guess I was over that spellbinding phase of mommyhood and was coming back to reality. I realized how it is affecting my mood lately and even finances. I thought to myself, “I had a great year of pure bliss and indulgence, now it’s time to get back on the horse”. So I actually started to watch my diet again and started working out at home. But that was the year I went back to work as well, and before I knew it, I slowly stopped exercising but made sure to stay on a diet. No exercise and watching my diet had worked for me for 10 years and I thought it will work this time as well. But I couldn’t be more wrong!
Now fast forward to now, the year 2018, 4 years since I gave birth and I still have NOT lost my baby weight. Well yes, I did lose about 20lbs which was mostly the baby and the other gunk but technically I have not lost any of the actual weight that I had gained from my pregnancy. When I kept my weight off by diet only and no exercise, I was in my 20s and I had a moderate active lifestyle. I used to take the bus to work and did not own a car. Basically without any workout, I still got a lot of activity done from all the walking I did. Another benefit of not having a car was that I barely ordered take outs as I was too cheap to pay for delivery or pay for a cab and only time I ate out was on weekends. But now I’m in my 30s and with lack of activity, my metabolism didn’t just slow down, I feel like it has completely stopped working (if that’s even a thing!). In addition, my body has gone through a huge change by being pregnant, carrying a human being for 9 months and gone through the vigorous process of childbirth. So, NO, watching my diet ONLY did NOT work. I not only couldn’t keep my weight off, at times I saw it even going up; if I went a little off track with my diet.
I just couldn’t keep up, it seemed like a downhill battle which made me upset and depressed almost all the time. I also realized how long I’ve been dealing with this issue and how I am so tired of trying for 34 years and it honestly didn’t feel like a cause worth fighting for anymore. It’s not an excuse to not maintain a healthy lifestyle as I still want to make sure that I eat healthy and stay fit but not at the cost of my mental health and especially not with the goal of losing weight. And the moment, I removed the requirement of losing weight from this journey, my life changed forever and for the best! But this was not an easy process, my husband has been the greatest motivator during this journey by uplifting me with encouraging words and loving me for who I am and not how I looked. Another thing that helped me is focusing on the positives about my characteristics, skills, etc. and learning to define myself with those and not by my appearance. When I shifted my focus from my looks to my qualities, during this same time, I started to take interest in hobbies like photography and blogging that fed my creative soul and it was just unbelievably refreshing for me as I didn’t even have a hobby for the longest time that I can remember!
For last year or so, I have stopped trying fad diets or having unrealistic work out goals, etc. with the aim of losing weight rather I make sure to eat clean as much as I can. I try to do some light exercises over the weekend (I said “try” so don’t hold it against me!) My next goal is to add in about 30 minutes of work out on week nights as well (wish me luck!). And I don’t feel upset for not losing any weight or not fitting into my old clothes anymore because that’s not my expectation at the first place. I kept 3 suitcases full of pre-pregnancy clothes in the hope to be able to wear them someday and I was finally able to let go and donated them all to our local charity last year. I have started to slowly create a brand new wardrobe which suits my new body. I learned to love my body which has gone through so much not just during pregnancy, child birth and breast feeding days but also the torture it endured with starvation and yo yo diets for 20 some years prior to that. I learned to dress myself with clothing that flatters my new body shape. I also learned to love how I look now without comparing to my old self.
I will be writing a post as an extension of this one where I will share how to dress for curvy body shape like mine that’s also flattering and stylish! Stay tuned for that one! Those who are still struggling with their body image, please say these words to yourself daily:
“I love who I am.
I accept myself and my body.
My body is beautiful.
I respect my body.
I am a healthy and happy person.”